What you define.

*

The beep of your phone made you uncomfortable because you knew it was a message from Anyebe¹. Since he met you on the Independence Day festival, he will not let you hear word.

“Ojonya², just like your name you are beautiful. Be my friend, I want to take you all over Nigeria”, was his last message which was, if you remembered clearly, 8 hours ago. You glance over your phone when the screen light comes on and look away quickly to continue washing the plates in the sink. What did Anyebe see in you? Maybe he wanted your money like all the other boys you had met.

Maybe like Akoche³ and Ocholohi⁴, he only wanted you to take him to dinner, so that he ‘pockets his pocket money’. That was what Ocholohi said to you through his cousin Ihotu⁵.

You were so embarrassed that day as Ihotu said it when your two best friends were with you. Ihotu’s voice was so loud, you most times asked her if she swallowed a megaphone or something. You had told your friends to stay and listen to what Ihotu had to say, because they already knew about you and “Lohi”, as you playfully called him. But the message from him wasn’t as it always was.

“Ocholohi said he isn’t doing again. His phone got smashed by thugs on Wednesday, so he couldn’t tell you over a phone call. So he sent me to you”.

Since you met Lohi, he was always having issues with his phone. You helped him get it repaired or sometimes bought him a new one. But the week before, you couldn’t get him a new phone, because your father had complained that your weekly request for overly high amount of money was getting too much and alarming.

“He isn’t doing what again?” You asked, not wanting to succumb to your thoughts.

“He doesn’t love you anymore. He said you might stubbornly refuse to let go, so I should tell you that Onajite⁶, his normal girlfriend is back and that since you are no longer helpful to him, he is no longer interested”.

“Normal girlfriend”, you had screamed angrily in your head. So you weren’t a normal girl friend? That aside; Who on earth quotes what a sender says to the receiver despite knowing it would hurt? Who on earth sends people to help them break up with their lover in this time and age?

“Oh, he also said you were just there to help him pocket his pocket money. And I quote_ afterall that is why it is called pocket money_”, she finally said laughing, as if it were a joke. It was a funny play on words, but it wasn’t funny at this point in time.

You slide the sponge over the ceramic saucer in your hand as you stare into space. You could feel the cold breeze romance your cheeks. The cold feeling on your skin that gave you warmth on the inside.

What did Anyebe see in you? Beauty? What was his definition of beauty? Were bulldozers and elephants beautiful to him as well? Except he generally loved nature, you didn’t see any reason why he would find you beautiful. You were what people called fat and screamed at to “burn the excess fat”. The one who was accused of polluting the air because your size wasn’t considered normal.

Anieb⁷ even called you a bulldozer the day you tripped and fell down on the floor. She said she would never imagine her brother bringing ‘something’ like you home.

“Ojo the bulldozer. You want to throw us off the face of the earth. Your fall was like an earthquake. Does gravity even have its effect on you. Or maybe it is just your weight holding you to the ground. How much do you weigh? 110kg? Chizoba saw it that day at the clinic. She said the scale was even shaking. Better shed off some weight. Mtcheew”.

You had gone back to your hostel and locked yourself in your room, stripped yourself and looked at your figure in the mirror. You didn’t think you were that bad. Your stomach had a little folds and you were a little bigger than most people, but was that a reason to be insulted? You turn around and what you see doesn’t please you at all.

Your stretch marks. Going over from the top of your bum bum to your thighs. It really looked like you were a Zebra like you roommate Onomine⁸ usually called you. That is why you never got naked even when you were about to have your bath. You made sure to get naked in the bathroom. You quickly pulled up your clothe as your own stretch marks scared you.

“Zeeebra”, you said out as you rinsed the plate which you had held for so long. The cold breeze had caused the soap lather to dry up and made your hands sticky.

Nobody ever told you you were beautiful. Akoche made you feel beautiful for a short while though, until he noticed your abnormally big head when you made your first cornrows.

“Ojonya, your head isn’t the normal human size,” he said

“Your lips too, this hairstyle really brought out your true look. Don’t make it anymore”.

That wasn’t the first “don’t do this” he had said to you.

“Don’t wear pants, your thighs are too big. Wear a girdle when wearing a tight dress. Don’t colour your hair, it isn’t pretty. Don’t wear bright coloured lip sticks, it makes you look like my aunty from the village”. “Dont wear clothes that exposed your chest area, you barely have enough boobs to even form a cleavage. There isn’t a lot to be proud of there. So what are you showing off”. He was very good at making you less of yourself; like you weren’t good enough for him.

You were tired of hearing how imperfect you were. How full your lips were and how you should keep your smile simple, because your lips were to wide. How you should hide your eyes behind glasses because they were too tiny. How your nose was the only pretty thing on your face because it was pointed. Some people even said it was “too pointed”. How you shouldn’t wear shorts outside because your thighs were full, even if they were firm. How you looked like a giant and how you would probably never get a man to love you because of your height.

“Are you eating to much beans Ojo? You will soon be taller than any future companion”, Aunty Ruth had told you during one family get together last two years.

You were tired of hearing what people thought of you. Who were they to even define perfection?? You were tired. You wanted to be what you were. You wanted to see yourself from your own eyes(I.e You wanted to feel very pretty even if the world didn’t think so), but you couldn’t. It seemed like you had prosopagnosia, except that you could see other people’s faces, but not yours. You couldn’t describe what you looked like at all. But that had to change.

Anyebe thought differently about you; at least from his texts and calls. Anyebe said your skin was like milk, so yes, it was like milk. He liked your silky hair and how you smell of lavender. He said you are pretty, so maybe you were: maybe you could start seeing yourself from the eyes of people worth being called THE BEHOLDER. Maybe you could start seeing yourself from Anyebe’s eyes afterall and even cure yourself of this disease.

You pick up your phone and send him a reply_”Meet me at John’s bridge by 8pm. I won’t be coming with a coat and the weather is really cold today. Come with yours, I would love to leave with your scent tonight”.

Meaning of tribal names:

1. Anyebe_Victory(Idoma)

2. Ojonya_Beauty(Idoma)

3. Akoche_Mine(Idoma)

4. Ocholohi_God is Good(Idoma)

5. Ihotu_Love(Idoma)

6. Onajite_This is sufficient(Urhobo)

7. Anieb(short for Aniebietabasi)_Who is like God(Efik)

8. Onomine_Whom do I look up to(Urhobo)

To everyone who read this piece, this may sound cliche, but “You are good enough, I hate it when you always feel less of yourself. These aren’t even things for you to have low self esteem about. “-Says Muyiwa.